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Raised an Indian Girl: The Intersection of Culture and Gender
My mother desperately wanted a daughter. She’s always believed that mothers and daughters understand one another in a way that a father and son may not.
Traditional Indian culture has often valued boys more than girls. Back in 1994, India even had to ban revealing the sex of a fetus to prevent gender-motivated abortions of female fetuses. But my mom never doubted I would end up a “perfect baby girl.”
The moment I was born, both she and my dad did everything to ensure I was the quintessential image of a traditional Indian girl. I wasn’t meant to challenge it.
But, as time passed, I did. I had questions. And after a while, it became clear the culture and religion I grew up around didn’t have all the answers.
Indian Girlhood
I was raised a princess—hair laced with oil, wearing pretty lehengas (long skirts) and playing with all-pink toys. Nobody ever anticipated me being dissatisfied with traditional femininity, and I wasn’t at the time. Being an Indian girl back then was simple and comfortable.
But as I grew older, I started to understand that being an Indian girl carried more solemn weight than being an Indian boy did. Being an Indian girl meant accepting the limitations that came with menstruation, no matter how frustrating it was to be barred while I had my period from the religious festivals I’d always loved. It was being scrutinized for what I wore and how I acted. My older brother didn’t have to deal with that. He was applauded for completing the smallest of household chores, the same things that were just expected of me.
It also meant being reminded of the inevitable future that awaited me: a husband, a few kids running around and a new last name. Once in a while, I’d ask my mother what she would do if I didn’t want to have kids or get married. She would laugh and say that I would. Women are destined to be mothers and wives. I’ve never seen an Indian woman of my mom’s generation happily unmarried (at least as far as I know!). Even the career women, with big-name jobs and degrees, came home every evening to a husband and two kids waiting for her to cook dinner.
Conflicting Identities
My mother’s prayers worked. She got her daughter. I do identify as a girl. But, for the longest time, I’ve struggled with the unspoken worry that maybe I’m not…meant to be one, at least not in the traditional sense.
I never had much interest in marrying some guy. Children are cute, but I didn’t want to be a mother. And if those two things are as connected to womanhood as they’ve been made to seem, could I even consider myself a proper woman?
Of course, not every Indian family pushes the same set of beliefs. But mine, and many others, have. It’s only normal to want to affirm your gender identity. And when your culture has certain expectations fundamentally attached to it, it can be hard to deviate.
It’s only normal to want to affirm your gender identity. And when your culture has certain expectations fundamentally attached to it, it can be hard to deviate.
Accepting Your Differences
As a first-generation immigrant, I always feel bizarre criticizing a part of my heritage. I think a part of me worries that by condemning the traditional mindset that’s been impressed upon me since childhood, I’m allowing the West to overly influence me.
Growing up, I often felt foreign to my Indian heritage because of how different I was. I did everything to compensate. I dove into my culture with hope that something in my head would click into place. I would understand what it means to be an Indian girl; know what to do and do it without feeling like an imposter. But it never worked.
Figuring Out Who I Am
Eventually, I started to let go. I realized that although I don’t want to abandon my culture, I also don’t want it to police the way I explore girlhood.
As a result, I’ve become a lot more comfortable in my own skin. A part of that has meant shedding many traditionally feminine traits. My favorite color isn’t pink anymore, it’s red. I like cutting my hair short (much to my mother’s abject horror), and I’ve dyed it a few times too. I’m a little less infatuated with fairytale princesses and a little more amused by the villains.
Another part has meant learning what parts of traditional femininity I do like. I like wearing lehengas, doing my makeup and painting my nails. I view all parts as being equally me. And for me, they are equally parts of womanhood, too. Who you are as a person defines your identity, not the other way around.
Cultural Sources of Empowerment
It’s also important to remember that not all cultural standards serve to limit femininity. Seventeen-year-old Vyshnavi, of Cranbury, NJ, is also Indian and Hindu. While both of us agree our culture tends to limit the clothes girls wear, how they talk and how they act, she’s also learned to find sources of empowerment within it.
“My culture has its ups and downs about how it portrays women,” she says. “But in a positive light, I love how Hinduism shows goddesses as powerful and capable, independent women. There are goddesses that have defeated devils and monsters and have changed evil people to a life of devotion.”
Finding a Compromise
It’s possible to strike a balance between your cultural and gender identities. Identifying which parts of your heritage you connect with and being critical of what is hurtful isn’t the same as abandoning it entirely. True love and appreciation are accompanied by a desire for progress.
My mother wanted a mini-her, yes. But she also wanted me. And she loves me for me, regardless of what convention says. Despite every complaint, she combs through my too-short hair and tells me I look just like her when she was younger, just with a different nose. Because she’s my mother. I do believe we have a special bond, one based on mutual affection. She doesn’t always understand me, and I don’t always understand her. But I love being my mother’s daughter.
Being a woman just means something different for each of us. And that’s OK.
*Meena V. is a pseudonym for a teen living in NJ.
