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Inclusive Sex Education for Those With Disabilities
Think about it. Most systems—whether healthcare, public transportation or employment—are designed for people who are neurotypical (which means their brain functions in ways that are considered “standard”). This is also true of education, including sex education.
Many sex ed classes overlook discussions that are inclusive of those with intellectual or developmental disabilities (I/DD) and fail to address the unique needs of those who are neurodivergent (meaning their brains are wired differently, sometimes causing variations in how they learn or relate to others).
I’m grateful for the opportunity I had to speak with Amy Gravino, M.A., who is an autism sexuality advocate, professional speaker and Relationship Coach at the Center for Adult Autism Services at Rutgers University. She has also collaborated on a sex ed curriculum and co-authored a book chapter on autism and sexuality. Amy shared both her professional expertise and her personal experiences as someone with autism. We discussed how she navigated adolescence as a neurodivergent teen, as well as her thoughts on how to better support teens with I/DD like autism, both in and out of the classroom.
Addressing Misconceptions
First, some clarity about what I/DD means. Developmental disabilities are “a group of conditions due to an impairment in physical, learning, language or behavior areas,” according to the Centers for Disease Control. Developmental disabilities include ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Cerebral Palsy, Down Syndrome, vision or hearing impairment, Tourette Syndrome and more. Intellectual disabilities are a type of developmental disability where there are cognitive limitations that may interfere with communication, learning or social skills.
Why don’t these young people always get sex ed? There are many misconceptions and stigmas surrounding people with I/DD. Much of this comes from a lack of awareness and understanding about disabilities. There is often not enough accurate (or any) information provided in schools or via media like TV and movies.
For instance, common misconceptions about people with autism are that they are all asexual or not interested in or able to have romantic and/or sexual relationships. “These stereotypes result in infantilization of many I/DD people,” Amy says. She shares that those with I/DD often are interested, even if they express themselves differently.
Another misconception is that “people on the spectrum don’t experience empathy, therefore they’re not capable of loving,” adds Amy. “This is hateful—emotions are displayed in ways not typical (so) it’s assumed we don’t have emotions.”
One way this can be addressed? “Listen to autistic people with lived experiences,” says Amy.
What’s Missing
Often, people who have I/DD are shielded from conversations about sexual and romantic relationships, instead of included. There aren’t many accessible resources specifically for teens with I/DD, and this can leave them feeling confused and ashamed for having natural feelings like desire and curiosity about sex and relationships.
There aren’t many accessible resources specifically for teens with I/DD, and this can leave them feeling confused and ashamed for having natural feelings like desire and curiosity about sex and relationships.
Amy says her sex ed covered the basics, like anatomy and pregnancy. “The piece for me that was missing was the social element,” she says. “How to form relationships, how to go on a date, how to know if someone likes you, how to know what abuse looks like.” By the way, these topics would benefit not just those who are intellectually or developmentally disabled, but everyone!
Amy shares that she was made to believe sex and relationships were not for her. She was told she couldn’t have a crush: “You’re not allowed to like him, you’re different, you’re weird.” Young people receiving these messages can start to experience an increase in self-doubt and a decrease in self-esteem.
It’s important for those with I/DD to learn how to connect with others. “There’s a risk of getting hurt with relationships and love,” Amy says. “(But) the only way I can learn to have a broken heart is to go have my heart broken and know I can get through it…we have the right to take that risk and be part of the world and try to engage with that piece of our humanity. Because to deny us that is to deny part of the human experience. We need to have the same tools as our neurotypical peers to make those choices.”
A Mixed Message
When people don’t get accurate and comprehensive information about sex, it can be confusing. “There’s lots of stigma (about sex) in our society,” says Amy, “but you see sex everywhere. It’s used to sell, and in movies, but we don’t have honest conversations about it.”
It’s normal for young people to have questions about sex and how their bodies and relationships are changing. “If people are not getting sex ed at school or (from) parents, they’re going to get it from somewhere else and that could be dangerous,” says Amy. “Often, autistic teens get sex ed from porn. Porn is not realistic. It creates unrealistic expectations.”
Teens also often aren’t taught the nuances about sex and relationships and teens with I/DD can especially struggle navigating this. For instance, some communication is nonverbal. For those who struggle with understanding these distinctions, things like flirting and dating can be challenging. “So much exists in a gray area,” says Amy. “Relationships are not always straightforward.”
How Schools Can Help
Comprehensive sex ed doesn’t just help students who have I/DD. In fact, most students want to learn about the more nuanced aspects of sex, dating and relationships. “Comprehensive sex ed benefits everybody” says Amy. “Neurotypicals bumble through too, but we as people with disabilities are made to feel as though we’re somehow extra broken.”
Teachers can implement strategies to engage students who have trouble understanding the gray areas. For instance, incorporating role-plays of scenarios like asking someone out on a date, setting boundaries, navigating consent and resolving conflicts helps students get a sense of how people effectively communicate in relationships, which may otherwise seem abstract.
Additionally, teachers can discuss intersectionality, and people’s unique identities. Students with I/DD can have additional identities that shape the way they interact with the world, like sexual orientation, gender identity and/or race. Sex ed is often taught from a cisgender and heteronormative perspective, but many people on the spectrum identify as LGBTQ+.
It’s OK to Ask for Help
Sex ed isn’t about having all the answers. Creating safe and inclusive classrooms shows students that it doesn’t have to be scary. We all have questions, whether we’re neurodivergent or neurotypical.
As a high school student, Amy felt like she was the only one who was still trying to figure things out. “To my 16-year-old eyes, all my peers had their stuff together, and I was the only one who was a mess,” she says. “Now, as an adult, I know they were all a mess. No one was saying it, no one was having those conversations, because you felt you had to be perfect all the time. If we just try to be there for each other and say, ‘I’m having a tough time. Are you having a tough time too?’ Just open that space up to be honest. If you need help, it’s OK to ask for help.”
As someone who once felt alone and confused, Amy wants teens with I/DD who may be struggling to recognize, “It’s cliché, but it does get better. You are not alone. There are so many autistic adults now sharing their stories who can be people you can look to, to see the light at the end of the tunnel.”
It’s important to educate yourself about the experiences of people with I/DD and listen to their experiences. By being open-minded and shifting from a rigid view of disabilities, we can foster inclusivity and acceptance.
