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Exploring My Gender Identity
Gender stereotypes are everywhere. Sometimes, they show up in obvious ways, like when parents-to-be have gender reveal parties and then use that to determine how they’ll decorate the nursery and what baby clothes they’ll buy. Sometimes, they show up in more subtle ways, like when girls are encouraged to be more passive while boys are urged to be more active. Either way, it can feel suffocating to someone whose gender identity or expression doesn’t fit these stereotypical ideas.
Over time, I’ve realized that these stereotypes don’t apply to everyone, including myself. When I began exploring my gender identity, I realized that—as a girl—I may be less feminine than I’d thought.
Gender Is a Personal Experience
One of the first moments I remember feeling as though I was not a girl was when I was envious of how my male best friend’s shirt fit him. I was eight and already going through puberty. To me, not having breasts seemed like freedom. Then I could wear the clothes that I wanted to wear and have them look how I wanted them to look. But I quickly convinced myself that I was confused and maybe had a crush on a boy.
Why was I ashamed of wanting to look like my male friend? We’re often conditioned from a young age to buy into cisnormativity (the idea that being cisgender or having your gender identity match the sex you were assigned at birth is normal while anything outside of that is not). Cisnormativity can put pressure on us to conform. So as a girl, I felt uncomfortable wanting to look like a boy.
Gender is such a personal experience, and ideas about what is feminine or masculine can vary from person to person.
Over time, I began learning more about gender identity. It’s taken me a long time to better understand my gender identity, and I’m still figuring it out. Gender is such a personal experience, and ideas about what is feminine or masculine can vary from person to person. All I can do is try and understand myself by exploring my own gender and what feels right for me.
The Freedom of Coming Out
By the time I was going into seventh grade, I was ready to identify as nonbinary and use they/them pronouns. I’d had a hunch for a while, it just took me time to accept and label this as my identity.
I came out to my brother, and he was supportive and welcoming. I waited two more years to come out to my parents. I was scared they wouldn’t agree to refer to me using different pronouns. I was scared they would say that I was too young to know, it was just a phase or I can be a girl without being hyper-feminine. But they reacted how they had when my brother had come out as gay. They acknowledged it but did not react too strongly.
They/Them
The step of coming out to my parents allowed me to begin my social transition. On the first day of high school, I wore a pronoun pin prominently displaying “they/them.” At school, others began viewing me as nonbinary. This level of freedom was thrilling. Suddenly, what had felt like my deepest secrets were things I could talk about regularly with friends. I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my chest by having this out in the open.
For a while, I would only wear androgynous clothing because I felt that it fit me best. But over time, I realized that I can wear a dress with makeup and still be nonbinary. I can be beautiful and handsome, pretty and strong. Some days I wear a vest and cargo pants, some days I wear a crop top and matching skirt.
My Gender Identity Journey
My journey to understand my identity is far from over. All I know is that I’m comfortable being referred to as nonbinary and using they/them pronouns, so that is what I stick with for now.
Being genderqueer—which typically means having a more fluid gender identity—can be challenging. (“People who identify as ‘genderqueer’ may see themselves as being both male and female, neither male nor female or as falling completely outside these categories,” according to the Human Rights Campaign.) You can feel shame and discomfort as you deal with the social challenges of not being cisgender.
No matter where you are in your gender identity journey, I hope my story reminds you that it’s OK to explore your gender identity and that you are not alone.
*L.J. is a contributor who lives in Virginia.
