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Dating When You Have a Disability or Chronic Illness
Being young and disabled or chronically ill can be hard. You have to deal with things like strangers staring, people questioning why you need support, frequent ER visits and missing school.
I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which causes joint pain, issues with blood pressure and skin that is thinner and more fragile. I also have a tick-borne illness called babesiosis, which has caused me to have low blood pressure, nausea and more. I am 17 and use a mobility aid (wheelchair, walker, crutches, etc.) daily, so I’ve had my fair share of stares and rude comments.
For me, one of the hardest things about navigating adolescence with a chronic illness and disability has been missing out on something that feels so important as a teenager: connection. Adolescence is when many people deepen friendships and begin romantic relationships.
Humans are social creatures, and having relationships can feel like life or death, especially when you’re young. Having connections helps with mental and physical health, whether you’re dealing with a disability or not. It’s frustrating that a disability or illness can make this even more complicated.
Here are some things that have helped me and other people living with disabilities and chronic illnesses. Every person is different, so what works for you may not work for everyone. There are many different types of disabilities and illnesses, and each can affect someone in a unique way. But even knowing about options can be helpful! I focus below on romantic relationships, but these tips can apply to friendships as well.
Know Where You’re At
Before considering starting a romantic relationship, it’s important first to understand what you want from it. Take some time to define this for yourself. Sometimes journaling can help you figure it out. Are you after a deeper emotional connection or something casual and low-pressure? Both are valid, but it’s best to know what you’re hoping for and consider how that influences what you choose to share about your health.
How Much Energy?
Energy levels can be unpredictable for everyone, but especially for people dealing with a disability or chronic illness. Relationships and disability/illness can both take a lot of effort and energy. Think about how much you have to give to a relationship. For instance, how often do you feel you can get together, and would that be in person, virtually or a combination? It’s OK to want a less energetically-demanding relationship, but it’s best to be honest about it with yourself and your partner. This fosters connection and sustainability. Being truthful about your capacity can help the relationship grow over time.
What Does Support Look Like?
Think about both how you’re able to support someone and how you want to be supported. Are you looking for someone to check on how you are feeling? Someone to help with practical tasks? Someone to listen?
Sharing Is Up to You
When you’re ready to move forward in a relationship, it’s best to think about what you would like to share. Consider how you might answer specific questions about your condition. Remember that you can always keep it brief and simple. The pace and depth of sharing are yours to control.
Start Small
To reiterate—you don’t need to share everything at once! Starting small and mentioning your health casually helps you gauge your partner’s response and comfort level. You don’t owe anyone your medical history, especially right away. If they respond positively, as the relationship develops, you can share more. This helps protect your well-being while letting your trust in your partner grow. After sharing, listen to see if they ask questions and show empathy. Trust is not instant or automatic, but if they seem willing to hear about your health issues, it can start to create a safe space for you to discuss your challenges.
Be Clear
Sometimes, if a partner’s reaction is not what you had hoped, you might worry that you didn’t explain things clearly enough. Regardless, if you do explain clearly, you will decrease the chance of confusion on either side. For example, if someone asks, “Why do you use a walker?” you can respond with something general, like, “My legs need a little extra help,” or something more specific, like, “I have a condition that affects my joints and muscles.” The amount of detail is up to you, but clear communication reduces misunderstandings and helps partners support you better.
Dating when you have a disability or chronic illness can be complicated, but it’s entirely possible. With honesty, communication and respect from both sides of the relationship, you can have a supportive partnership just like anyone else. Take your time!
