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Dating Someone With A Disability or Chronic Illness
Most people don’t think about the possibility of dating someone with a disability until it happens. You might feel worried about how to be a good partner to someone with a disability or chronic illness. I’ve written about dating from my perspective (I’ve been disabled my whole life and have used different mobility aids for more than a year), but I thought sharing some ideas for partners would also be helpful.
Hopefully, these tips can help you speak openly with your partner and foster discussions about how each of you would like to be supported in your relationship. Spoiler alert: these tips can apply to any relationship, so keep reading even if the title doesn’t apply to you!
Don’t assume.
If your partner shares that they have a chronic illness or disability, the most supportive thing you can do is stay open-minded and avoid making assumptions. Instead of trying to “fix” things, you can ask simple questions like, “How can I support you?”, “What do you need?” or “Would you like to have company now or spend time alone?” These kinds of questions let your partner set the tone for the support they want.
Ask questions.
Don’t be afraid to ask your partner questions. If you’re unsure whether it’s OK to ask, tell them that. Being engaged and interested shows that you’re not afraid of what they’re dealing with.
Respect boundaries.
On the other hand, know that your partner may not always feel like talking in detail. Respecting boundaries helps them feel comfortable coming to you when they’re ready. For example, if you’ve texted to ask how they are feeling multiple times and they respond with “Fine,” when you think there’s more going on, leave it be. It’s OK if they don’t want to talk. Meeting them where they are is important.
Stop saying, “I’m sorry.”
You don’t need to apologize for something you haven’t caused.
Let me explain. So many people have said, “Sorry,” to me simply because of the conditions I live with. When I mention that this kind of apology isn’t helpful, I get responses like, “Well, I don’t know what else to say,” or “The situation makes me uncomfortable.” People apologize to me for things none of us can control, including my health issues, my condition progressing or that I can’t always do what others can. While apologies like this may not seem like a big deal, they can be a conversation-stopper, shifting the focus to what I can’t do instead of what I can.
Allow them to feel grief.
It’s natural to want to positively reframe challenges, but sometimes your partner may just need to process their feelings and let them go. There is grief that comes with chronic illness—the loss of the life you thought you’d have, your sense of identity and dignity. It’s OK to feel sad and angry sometimes and not have it reframed.
Every person is different—and feelings and moods fluctuate—so follow their lead whether they want to be cheered up, distracted, taken care of or anything else.
Be there through the day to day.
Simply showing up through the realities of being sick is the best thing you can do for your partner. Be there on the days when they have a doctor’s appointment or need to nap on the couch, as well as to celebrate the small wins too.
When people are willing to listen and learn about how a partner wants to be supported, it’s possible to build a deep connection. Despite any challenges, relationships based on compassion and understanding can bring something wonderful to your life.
