I like to say to my friends that coming out has become the LGBTQ+ equivalent of getting your first period. A mythologized, “universal,” sometimes scary rite of passage that can also be an integral part of shaping your identity.

It seems like a lot of younger LGBTQ+ people feel like they have to fear their “inevitable” coming out. This can be for a variety of reasons. For instance, a lot of popular queer media tends to focus on the tension and conflict of keeping one’s identity “secret” vs. sharing it. In reality, coming-out stories are personal and can be emotional. They’re also good sources of inspiration and can provide connection between people. But yes, there can be some fear and anxiety attached.

I certainly felt it when I was younger. I was 12 when I decided to come out to my parents, and I was terrified. I tried to remedy that by overcompensating. Instead of giving a speech, I wrote my dad an actual essay and sent it to him while he was away on a work trip. It was a very impressive piece of writing, if I do say so myself!

Since then, I’ve come out to dozens of people in several different ways And I’ve come to a conclusion. Just like how getting your period doesn’t have to be a “big deal” or something to be scared of, coming out shouldn’t be something we attach too much automatic meaning to. It isn’t the end-all, be-all of your journey. You never have to come out if you don’t want to, especially in cases where doing so could put you in an unsafe situation.

Coming out also doesn’t have to be formal. It can take whatever form you want, no essay or speech necessary! I came out to my best friends in eighth grade by pausing, mid-group project, looking up, and calmly asking, “Oh, you guys know I’m gay, right?” I came out to one of my writing teachers via a poem I wrote about having a crush on a girl. He gave me a little thumbs-up when I next saw him. That made his class so much more of a safe space for me.

With that in mind, and with Pride Month upon us, I asked other LGBTQ+ teens about their coming-out experiences. The following are a selection that illustrate the range of what coming out can be.

Laela (she/her), 18, Somerset, NJ: “I figured out I was bi when I was in middle school. The actual experience (of coming out) was definitely nerve-wracking, since I felt like I was presenting myself as a whole new person, and was afraid people’s views of me were going to change. Every single time, before, I felt nervous. During, part of me felt like I was making the wrong decision, and part of me felt like this needed to be said. After, it was one of the most relieving feelings ever.”

Miles (he/they), 17, Vacherie, LA: “Before coming out to my oldest sister, I was scared that she might see me differently and treat me differently. She simply said, ‘Oh, ok.’ And we continue as normal….After I came out, I went from being introduced as ‘younger sister’ to ‘younger brother,’ which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but even today it makes me feel so loved in such a simple way. Her response made me feel like I was normal, that maybe nothing is wrong with me.”

Dylan (he/they), 13, Cranbury, NJ: “My parents, my mom specifically, always asked me if I liked ‘anyone’ instead of a ‘girl.’ My mom was not surprised at me coming out, which is good in a way. My parents were super supportive, and also some of my friends…some people were nice and (some) not so nice. Coming out can be difficult, but everyone has their own way of doing it, and finding out how you can, if you want to, will make you feel proud.”

Elijah (he/him), 18, Flemington, NJ: “I found myself struggling to ‘explain myself,’ even if I didn’t really need to explain myself. I just am….My mom really wanted to understand, and I was eager to show her this side of me once I was comfortable, but it was difficult to break down a more nuanced idea of gender for her. Every time we talked about it, I would end up crying because no matter what I said, my feelings didn’t make sense to her….I’m still coming to terms with everything myself, and my mom and I are still far from reaching understanding, but I think having the feelings out instead of in has helped us make more progress.”

Marshall (he/him, they/them), 17, Houston, TX: “Upon coming out as transgender to my closest friends in the seventh grade, I was met with curiosity and acceptance. My friends wanted to know what I went by, how I thought of myself, and why I chose the name I did. I know my story isn’t relatable to those in hostile environments, and I understand. Even though laws in my state work (against) people like me, I’m glad to be in a suburb that affirms who I am. I’m becoming a senior in three months. These small steps of affirmation kept me alive.”

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It’s not always easy or smooth. My essay didn’t magically make my dad more understanding; coming out to my parents was a rough experience for me. But it still changed the way I viewed myself.

People gain different things from coming out. If not immediate acceptance, they may feel a more complete sense of self or weight lifted off their shoulders.

Again, if you, for any reason, feel as though it would be unsafe to come out to someone, don’t. But at the same time, if you’re only holding yourself back out of fear of what others might say, maybe reconsider. The world isn’t always kind, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t people willing to try and understand, even if they may not initially.

At the end of the day, whether, how or when you come out is nobody’s business but your own. Coming out stories are as diverse as the LGBTQ+ community itself. There is no one way to do it. And I hope that, over time, the next generations of kids like me feel a little less afraid to reach out.

For another resource on coming out, check out https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/