I was 11 years old when I first cut myself. I had just spent five months in a private school where I didn’t fit in and was teased daily. Over winter break, I went to my parents, crying hysterically about how much I was hurting inside. They let me transfer back to public school, where I had friends in my classes and a big group of us ate lunch together. But I still felt very sad and anxious.

One night when my parents were out, I took a pair of scissors and cut my skin. It wasn’t very deep, and it didn’t bleed very much. But it scared me. Normal people don’t do this, I thought. The next day, I told one of my friends what I had done; he took me down to the guidance office. My mom was called, and I was put into therapy.

Tough Habit to Kick

I wish I could say that I stayed in therapy, got the help I needed and solved my problem, but cutting is a tough habit to kick. After about two months, I convinced my parents that I was fine and didn’t need therapy, so I stopped treatment. Shortly after, my cutting got worse. I didn’t want to believe that what I was doing was harmful.

By the time I was 14 years old, I was cutting myself three to four times a day. I kept a kit with a washcloth and sharp objects with me at all times. I wouldn’t let people touch me because I was afraid they would find out. I would lie to my parents regularly and put on a smile for them. When I wore pants and long sleeves in the summer to cover my scars, I said it was so I wouldn’t get sunburned.

Cutting was the only thing that kept me going each day. It was a way to hurt myself before others did—a way to put my emotional pain into physical form. I later discovered that about one out of every 200 girls between the ages of 13 and 19 in the United States cuts herself regularly. So even though I felt alone, there were many girls out there just like me.

End of Charade

When I reached high school, my anxiety level was at an all-time high. I began having regular panic attacks and missed a lot of school. Along with the anxiety, I also developed depression. After a while, my charade stopped working. My parents eventually became suspicious that I had not stopped cutting and got me help.

I was put on high dosages of anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication. I was also put back in therapy; I had individual sessions and, eventually, group therapy. Group therapy really helped me see that I was not alone, that my feelings were valid and I wasn’t crazy. Every week I would sit down with a group of girls, and although not all of them were cutters, we all shared similar problems. We talked about regular teenage stuff, not just about what was “wrong” with us. It showed me that we were all just normal kids, not disturbed, “at-risk” teens.

The medication was helping some, but eventually my depression worsened. I became suicidal and was referred to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) by my psychiatrist. I was evaluated and put in 50-minute individual therapy sessions and 90-minute group therapy sessions with my parents.

I went through a lot. I found that DBT wasn’t a match for me and eventually came off of all my medications. (Stopping medication at such a high dosage can be very dangerous and should be monitored by a doctor.)

Learning to Cope

In the end, I learned to deal with my feelings. It’s OK to feel sad or anxious sometimes and, it’s also OK to talk to other people about it. I’m lucky that my friends and parents are there to listen and help me with whatever it is I’m going through.

It’s still hard to fight urges to cut, but it has gotten much easier. I listen to music, color (hey, don’t knock it ’til you try it!) or drag one of my friends to the mall. I threw away all my razors, and I learned to tell people when I was upset or angry or sad.

My friend did the right thing back in middle school by making me get help. If you find out that someone close to you is cutting, don’t let him or her keep hiding. Tell an adult; find them somebody to talk to who can help. If you are cutting, you’re not alone. I know it’s hard to tell somebody what you are doing. It’s embarrassing and sometimes people don’t react the way you want them to. But it will be harder to keep your cutting a secret. Don’t be afraid to speak out.

Editors’ Note: If you don’t have a trusted adult to talk to, call S.A.F.E. Alternatives’ Help Line at 1-800-DONTCUT (366-8288) or visit Selfinjury.com.